Apocalypse Now? More Like Apocalypse Nimz

The literal translation of "Apocalypse" is not the end of the world, but 'lifting the veil'.So now let me briefly lift the veil of mystery that surrounds myself. Why am I doing this at such a late hour? I don't know maybe the guilt is getting to me. Maybe a clear and concise list would help me prove a point, which I really hate doing. As of late, a lot of my writings have been about myself which is most certainly very bothersome. But that's heading in the direction of a tangent. My point here is to convey exactly who I am, after all the nice guy person is nice and all but only in the group of friends that needn't know anything about me. After all in the right circle, people believing you to be nice or a good person is quite beneficial. In truth, I'm hardly nice. The facade is damn near second nature to me because it's how I've been trained. I betrayed my own mentor, the only person to care for me as a prodigy. Problem there? I don't regret it..much.
I don't believe in love, trust, or fidelity until otherwise earned, therefore I have a tendency, even when in love, to prepare escape routes and entertaining prospects just in case things should fail. Some see that as cheating, I see it as insurance. Especially considering that cheating in my opinion is solely the act of physical exertion of sexuality. Flirting and all that other crap isn't. Unless of course 'i love yous' are said. Then maybe so. I've indulged in a wide variety of 'companions', from ex-interests, to ex-girlfriends, to ex-girlfriend's former best friends with no real remorse. My intention isn't or at least wasn't an act of revenge or anything similar. But the idea to use such action and information as a means by which to procure it has not ever left my mind. For who knows when I may need it.
My motives for every action revolve around not only preservation of self, but betterment of my situation regardless of their appearance. I have no morals or qualms when it comes to the destruction or harm of others if it serves to reward me or in the pursuit of my vengeance or even my fury. Don't believe me, ask about those who've felt my wrath. Events I wouldn't dare write to the eye of the general public
All I'm trying to say is, I'm only a good person to those who haven't wronged me. To those I'm neutral to, or have no particular affinity, or even hate...look over your shoulder because I'm biding my time.

The Truth about Justice

You want to know the truth about 'justice'? It doesn't exist. Karma doesn't give those who have wronged you 'exactly what they deserve'. Karma is an emotional crutch people use to get by each day in hopes that their enemies will suffer for bringing them harm. For the longest time I believed that karma and justice were practically one and the same. Those who did wrong suffered while those who did good were rewarded. Simple enough concept until I took note of something. I've done horrible, horrible things in my life as have many others and we have been nothing but rewarded. The good people of the world seem to do nothing but suffer. I've waited day in and day out for karma to lash out and punish me for all my wrong-doings and nothing has happened that I couldn't deal with. Unless of course karma punishes those you care about. In which case I got the ultimate dose on Monday. How you ask? I nearly lost someone very important to me. The individual I feel is responsible for nursing me back to health and always having my back despite any and every endeavor. This person has done nothing but the right thing every chance he's gotten and never turned trouble to anyone.
How does the universe repay his innocence? With a hospital visit in critical condition and I'm the first person he asks for? I feel so guilty that I wasn't there. I understand now why people feel this way when tragedies strike. It wasn't fair. He's done nothing to warrant that and is probably the most innocent person I know. Meanwhile people like me can get away with almost anything and not suffer the consequences? Don't tell me there's anything like justice or karma. I don't believe it applies to every situation. Who knows where I'd have been without that dear friend taking care of me for so long. Who knows where I'll be if anything should ever happen to him again? If he's ever hurt again I may just become an even worse person.

Life's not Fair and Death Certainly Isn't Either

This isn't fair at all, and nothing at all about it should be acceptable. You died yesterday and I hadn't even come to see you during your last week. I know for a fact if you were home you wouldn't have died. After all its your right to die comfortably among the walls you worked so hard all your life to secure. I know how lonely you must have been these past few years without your wife, but you had my mother and I as your friends. We were always willing to be your company and take care of you no matter what the circumstances. Despite your age you still had your wits about you and even your pride. It broke my heart to see your own son practically evict you from your home where you were safest and most comfortable. I know what killed you, the depression of being in that place and betrayed by whom you thought to be your most responsible child. You had a great deal of children and grand children, many of whom have grown up and moved on to live all over the world. I can't lie. It infuriates me to see one of those closest to home put you on the path of your death.
When my grandmother passed away many years ago, I didn't shed a tear and I was very accepting of it because she died peacefully in the home she built with the grandfather whom I'd never known. The home where she raised my mother, my aunts, and my uncles to become the people they are today. The home where all her grandchildren were always welcome and treated with love. I'm sure that's how your house was. I respected you and considered you to be the first grandfatherly figure I had ever known despite you being just a 'neighbor' at first and becoming a close friend of the family. I remember you managed to grow tomatoes and peppers in your backyard many years ago with your wife prior to her passing. I remember how often mom would go over just to check on you both and return with probably the freshest produce in New York. And then one thing after another came to pass, you lost your wife, several years later we moved away, and we still visited as often as possible. Whenever I shook your hand I could feel all those years of hard work, stress, and tension built up in your joints. That was no arthritis. Those were the hands of a man with decades of experience under his belt. Every time I saw you, even after the stroke, you seemed as lively as ever. All the stroke ever did was slow you down a little, but nothing changed about you at all. Every time you saw me you'd ask "How was Mommy?" even if you saw her earlier the same day. It would bother you anytime she sent me on an errand for you if she didn't have the time. But I never minded at all. It was never any trouble to go take care of something for you. I remember when you were still driving and got into an accident and threatened to fight someone at least fifty years younger than you for disrespecting you when he was at fault.
It sounds as if I'm in denial, but I was expecting you to probably outlive your grandchildren and even myself. It sounds spiteful, but I was even hoping for you to outlive the person whom placed you on your death bed. I feel partially guilty considering if I had acted sooner or taken more haste, or given your situation priority, you may have been returned to your home and even lived a few more years. Instead you were put in a nursing home, with your mind completely intact and withered away in discomfort and sadness.
I'm more angry than sad because this isn't how it was supposed to happen. In the back of my mind I saw you still being around to witness my marriage should I have one, or my children growing up to a decent age. Instead I'm forced to tell them their great grandparents died long before they were born, and they were just a few years short of meeting the best thing since them.
I understand death. I understand birth. I understand all that comes between it in the path called life. That doesn't mean I can accept certain things. That doesn't mean I can't be filled with anger, and hatred with just a tinge of sorrow. This really isn't fair, because as far as I'm concerned you were the closest thing I'd ever known to a grandfather. And I would never want my grandparents to suffer in their last few weeks like that.

Human (The Killers)

I've been officially broken today. What happened is my concern only. But how hilarious is this? I hear of a certain event and the weight of it gradually brings me to tears. This song only amplified what I was feeling. I mean. I was downright bawling. I'm pretty sure I still am. It always takes something with such an immense weight to motivate me. I can't be spurred by motivational words, pep talks, the very necessity to aid myself or the will of others. I never care what other people want enough for it to change my life in any way at all. I treat it all like a job. I do what is requested of me and I keep it moving. It takes a catastrophe or a extremely near death experience for me to ever change my outlook on life and do anything that would benefit myself or directly influence the outcome of my future. Lo and behold, such a catastrophe has struck. I thought I've prepared myself both mentally and emotionally for everything. The universe has a way of throwing me curve balls. The result this time? A severely broken heart that I probably will only experience once more in my entire life.

No matter how much I research, how much I know, how much I experience, or how much I age I'll probably never really mature. Excuse my language but I'll always be a fucking child. I'm so sad that I'm angry if that makes any sense at all. I know the world isn't fair. I know it. I've seen it first hand. I've seen people escape crimes without even so much as a slap on the wrist. I've seen good people suffer day in and day out for all their life. Many of them even smile and bear it without complaining. Despite all this knowledge of reality and it's unfairness, I still can't accept this. I'm part man and part monster; with ALL of their weaknesses. Its insufferable. Its inconceivable how much pain I'm feeling right now. When this comes back around throughout my life how am I going to endure? Before this would have been no problem but now its really enough to make a grown man cry. Namely me. Now I know why they call it heartache. It truly feels as though I have a pain welling up in my chest. I'm so sad and so angry and so upset and yet I can't help but laugh. I mean look at me. It's hilarious to see myself in this condition. I've never known myself to suffer so much. It certainly isn't a laughing situation, but I'm so pathetic it's funny.

In this case, this song is so painfully beautiful I can't stand it. I don't want to interact with anyone tonight.

Maniac (Kid Cudi ft Cage)

"I love the dark maybe we can make it darker...I am a maniac. I am the maniac. I am the fool. I found a monster in me when I lost my cool. It lives inside of me; eating what's in its way. I want to spend time with it. I think I'm losing it. Or I found it and I'm using it."

I must be honest. I've been lying this whole time. It was unintentional, but it was still a lie none the less. I though I was incorruptible. I figured after all this time and all that I've been exposed to I could be a good person. I attempted to purge myself of the darkness and malice that resides within me. I even began to believe myself a good person. It is said there is power in the spoken word so I kept telling people I was a good person. Problem with that is deep down no matter how I try I'll never be any different. Power is an intoxicating poison, and once you have a taste it becomes so very addicting. It entices those around it with a sweet scent and induces selfish, sometimes irrational sensations. Power has the ability to overwhelm and completely subdue those that ingest too much of it's aroma. I'm no different. For a time I was.

I was actually a good person that believed in the preservation of life, freedom and humane treatment. I felt that intelligence, education, and rationality were natural born rights for every human being with the ability to cultivate them. As time progresses I see that not all are as interested in the bettering of themselves and their habitats. I see animals consumed by the simplicities of an unrewarding life. I see rodents that spread ignorance like disease and sow illness like seeds. I cast away my 'superiority complex' so very long ago for the humble companionship and understanding of close friends and loved ones, but as time progresses I feel it's remnants fermenting and being distilled. Like a fine wine it's being tinted with the red hue of hatred borne of observation and interaction. The more I see, the more superior I feel to these people with knowledge in negligible subject matter. Their primary goals are fruitless ones that inevitably will lay the foundation for a society of degenerates. Legalizing marijuana and various other drugs, lowering drinking ages, improving alcoholic content of beverages, reality television, substance-lacking music, and irresponsible sexual behavior? I believe I've just summed up a good eighty-five percent of the western 'society'. A culture created to root ignorance deeper and deeper into each generation.

Can you blame me for looking down on these people from some high horse? Can you blame me for considering myself superior to them despite my own abstract morals? Am I wrong from thinking there's something wrong with this broken thing we call our country? A place still laden with racists, sexists, liberals, conservatives, and countless other subdivisions of peoples? Is there something wrong with me wanting there to be a mass extinction or even go so far as to say a selective cleansing? Before anyone screams "Darfur" or ethnic cleansing or even genocide (which is usually synonymous) I'm thinking more along the lines of purging our nation of them though less horrid means. Forced re-education or maybe extraditing them to foreign countries that wouldn't mind copious amounts of idiots? I may be a monster, but despite my acceptance of my fate I still wish to attempt to be a good person. There's always a peaceful resolution..though it may not be the quickest.

"Hypocrisy is the foundation of humanity". I'm not saying it's right to bring anyone harm, but that won't stop me from doing it if I'm pushed far enough. Especially considering my patience is no where near endless anymore. I'm heartless enough to do whatever I feel needs to be done within permissible, preferably legal 'boundaries'. Boy what I'd give for diplomatic immunity. Or to have my finger on the button as they say. Like I said, I'm a hypocrite even if I believe both are acceptable means of furthering our society.

Don't Look Down (Kanye West Ft. Various Artist)

The all determining factor of the universe is power. I've come to the conclusion we all desire it to some degree or another because power has mistakenly become synonymous with freedom. Most people are so bent on the acquisition of power they have no idea what they will do with it. Power is the means to an end, but what's the end? Without the idea of what you wish to accomplish with it, power is useless. It's a concept most people never seem to get. Money is sought after in order to impress other people. What is the acceptance or even the hatred of other people going to get you? What satisfaction could you possibly gain from that? Unless of course you are out to please yourself and maybe those you love.

And in there lies the answer. I stumbled across the ultimate answer to everything worth any relevance in human life. The answer to it all: Love. There's absolutely no sensation in our lives we strive to feel more than love. Be it the love of a parent, a friend, or a 'significant' other. As emotional, conscious beings humans strive only to be loved. Nothing can possibly overcome the feeling of loving and being loved. The end in which we all pursue different means is love. We first know it (or hope to) as children from our parents. Then we proceed to age into adolescence and adulthood. We seek completion in the companionship and ultimately love of another human being. Nothing compares to being genuinely loved. We strive to experience and test the limitations of this phenomenal power known as love. The force of human evolutionary nature that seems to press us to move forward throughout our days. Love has the power to cease wars and mend almost everything that is broken. No greater act of love can be displayed than that of sacrifice.

Parents sacrifice time, money, energy, effort, happiness, and sometimes in the most extreme cases their lives all for the sake of their progeny. There's nothing wrong with loving oneself, but to be the target of sacrifice and reciprocate that breeds a cycle of love and even peace if understanding is present. Problem is most people don't understand the nature or strength of love. It's a nearly incomprehensible force if one does not place effort into learning its ways. No one cares to learn the ways of love these days sadly. It's all about instant gratification, or self servant behavior. Think of the trials you would endure for someone you know you love with all your heart. You have the power to move mountains with that motivation. That's all you need. Can you imagine sacrificing your own happiness to further the life of the one you love? Knowing you'd probably never be there with them again but as a trade-off they'd be happy and enjoy their life as they rightly should? How difficult is that? Deeds difficult in nature are the most rewarding. Sometimes the people you love have no idea how much you sacrifice for them. Especially when you don't communicate. Love and sacrifice are meant to usually be thankless services, but if you believe in the law of equivalent exchange or karma or whatever, you'll be repaid for the love and positivity you emanate. But damn, some people just don't even know the things you give up for them huh? I still suggest you all just keep loving. Because love is that invincible, unstoppable force if you use it right. Misuse leads to bitterness and hatred, but through education you can utilize this miraculous gift for good. Here I am, still rooting for you people.

Bad Romance {Cover} - 30 Seconds to Mars

Let me start by saying I'm not a Lady Gaga fan, but the 30 Seconds to Mars cover of this song is spectacular. When I listen to it, I can't help but think of the completely illogical and downright unfair predicament I'm in. I'm so very fond of a couple of girls, and for reasons that only the parties involved should be concerned with, we can't be together. Let's say it's pretty complicated. Distance in one case and in the other, what seems to be a variety of things. Girl 1 is probably one of the few people around that rivals my intellect. Not like I'm any genius or anything, but I like to think we're ahead of the curve. Coupled with compassion, rationality and flawless beauty to boot, she's spectacular. She's insightful and understanding beyond description. Plus her accent..wow. Just wow, she changed what I viewed as an 'ideal' woman. Yet Girl 1 is too far away to be with.

Girl 2 and I are oh so very close. From what I've heard we've been 'crushing' on each other for ages. Girl 2 has her own unique brand of beauty and just being in her presence is both enticing and exciting. Something about her draws out all the carnal desires a monster like me houses. There's something about her that my inner abomination can't help but deem delectable. The relationship we have is a complicated one, even for me. I constantly find myself thinking or wanting one thing, then doing another. It's as if she somehow has a hold on me that I either can't escape, or might not want to. Maybe it's in the way she hugs me, or the way we interact when we happen to be around one another. Maybe I'm placing too much into this. She and I could really have a bad romance, and I'd be content now that I've accepted the idea. Either way, something forbids me from having her.

Is it infidelity or immoral for me to still pursue Girl 2 because of the situation Girl 1 and I are in? I'm so very fond of them both. No matter the longevity, I'd be more than satisfied with a relationship with either. If that means I'm to leave to be with Girl 1, and we only remain romantically involved for a month, it was a month very well spent, especially should she and I remain friends. If I have to convince Girl 2 that nothing should be in the way of our romance, even if it's for the same duration, I'd be content with that as well. Before you assume I'm weighing my options, its more complex than that. I am caught in my own tier of a bad romance. Two wonderful women, neither of which I could have, yet the potential for either is there. I view relationships as a situation in which to learn about yourself and even make or keep some very amazing people in your life, even as just friends. A successful relationship doesn't have to result in marriage, or the permanent title of significant other. I also realize many people have a problem with a former romance becoming involved with a friend. I don't think that should hinder any opportunity for anyone else out there unless it truly is that painful of a situation. Otherwise nothing should retard a potential opportunity to grow as a person or learn about yourself and other people.

My point? I'm pretty assed-out in this situation none the less. An idealistic-love and a chronological-proximity-love. Damn. Who else gets into this predicaments and is willing to be branded a horrible person our of sheer confusion? And don't get me started on potential flings...although that's something I've strayed away from I have my days when my former-self emerges and I find it difficult not to dabble in the company of others. Understand that beneath my visage I am but a man. A well rounded, insane, creature of a man, but still a man.