Human (The Killers)

I've been officially broken today. What happened is my concern only. But how hilarious is this? I hear of a certain event and the weight of it gradually brings me to tears. This song only amplified what I was feeling. I mean. I was downright bawling. I'm pretty sure I still am. It always takes something with such an immense weight to motivate me. I can't be spurred by motivational words, pep talks, the very necessity to aid myself or the will of others. I never care what other people want enough for it to change my life in any way at all. I treat it all like a job. I do what is requested of me and I keep it moving. It takes a catastrophe or a extremely near death experience for me to ever change my outlook on life and do anything that would benefit myself or directly influence the outcome of my future. Lo and behold, such a catastrophe has struck. I thought I've prepared myself both mentally and emotionally for everything. The universe has a way of throwing me curve balls. The result this time? A severely broken heart that I probably will only experience once more in my entire life.

No matter how much I research, how much I know, how much I experience, or how much I age I'll probably never really mature. Excuse my language but I'll always be a fucking child. I'm so sad that I'm angry if that makes any sense at all. I know the world isn't fair. I know it. I've seen it first hand. I've seen people escape crimes without even so much as a slap on the wrist. I've seen good people suffer day in and day out for all their life. Many of them even smile and bear it without complaining. Despite all this knowledge of reality and it's unfairness, I still can't accept this. I'm part man and part monster; with ALL of their weaknesses. Its insufferable. Its inconceivable how much pain I'm feeling right now. When this comes back around throughout my life how am I going to endure? Before this would have been no problem but now its really enough to make a grown man cry. Namely me. Now I know why they call it heartache. It truly feels as though I have a pain welling up in my chest. I'm so sad and so angry and so upset and yet I can't help but laugh. I mean look at me. It's hilarious to see myself in this condition. I've never known myself to suffer so much. It certainly isn't a laughing situation, but I'm so pathetic it's funny.

In this case, this song is so painfully beautiful I can't stand it. I don't want to interact with anyone tonight.