I feel as though it's been a very long time since I've written anything with my heart. I wanted to rant about how heartless people could be, and how I hated the thought of who I once was. How I loathed a life I once lead and how I disliked certain people involved in it. I changed my mind as I began to write this to reflect something positive, but then I changed my mind again when I came to a realization. I'm not that strong. I'm not that good. And I most certainly am not that selfless. The initial change of heart was meant to spread the idea of harmony, and the undermining beauty of people and just describe how I wanted to be as a person.
Truth is? No matter how desperately I try to be a good person, my heart will always have black ink coursing through its apparently red walls. Don't get me wrong. I do want to be a good person. It just isn't in my nature. I've done the right thing for the wrong reasons, the wrong things for the right reasons, and the wrong things for the wrong reasons. At the end of the day, though I may have good intentions and act in such a fashion, other actions are purely for sake of self. I'll never truly escape this influence as hard as I try. So back to the original idea.
I want to say I'm glad you're gone. You brought me nothing but trouble all those years whether I was open about it or not. You constantly stressed me out and put a strain on every relationship I was involved in. You were more trouble than you were worth and made me try to change who I was and who I wanted to be. So many people hated you for the way you treated me, or the way you seemed to make me change. I want to say if it weren't for you I'd know myself and be a better person. I guess that's a matter of perspective. All you ever did was take, and treat those around you as if they were worthless. And despite how you made me feel, I acted as my role dictated. You knew every button to push to get a reaction out of me. It's as if you were some sort of bully. A bully that molded me to suit whatever it was that you happened to be looking for at the time. I was your source of livelihood since you probably had no idea of anything else in the world. You clung to what you knew and what you found easy. While you were around, or at least prominent, I could only question so much. I was entrapped within my own mind and that cage seemingly grew smaller with time. I was more of a pet, or a tame beast to you than anything else. Of course at the time I didn't know any better. All I knew was the shackles of bondage you placed upon me. I believed that was all there was for me. That chain I was trained to believe could hold me no matter how big and strong I became. Then I started to gradually force the chains to stretch a little more with each passing moment, just to test my limits. Until I realized they had a breaking point just like everything else. I finally freed myself from your control. Or so I've though and still think. Who knows when you might come back, or what you might say to place some form of restriction on me all over again. For now what keeps me going is knowing that I found freedom. I found my way out and away from you. I take comfort, even solace in the idea that I may never have to interact with you again by my own hand. I made sure the ties were severed and frayed beyond even my own ability to repair. Or at least that's what I want to believe. The thought of your return only brings about one thought. "There must be somewhere I can go where no one knows my name."
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